Five Romance Novels in Five Days

I’ve been reading a particular line of romance novels, thinking I might target my next romance novel squarely at a possible publisher. It seems, that in order to garner interest from this particular publisher, I must do the following:

1. Hero must have a previously broken nose. Seriously. I read five books in five days and every single one had the male character sporting a wonky conk.  Weird, huh?

2. Once said hero has feisty, independent, yet vulnerable  heroine in his manly clutches, his embraces must render the poor girl “boneless.” Yep – each of the five novels featured women who bones purely melted with lust for the guy with the crooked nose. Weird, huh?

3. All five of the poor heroines had some kind of genetic defect which caused them to wet their panties anytime they were within a few feet of he of the broken nose. They never once considered some kind of personal hygiene product. Nope – they just walked around sopping wet and boneless. Weird, huh?

4. Blowjobs. That’s right – I said blowjobs. Each of the feisty, independent, yet vulnerable heroines treated their impressively-nosed heroes to impressively professional blowjobs, sucking down the results with nary a thought of what diseases he might be carrying and before he even intimates any words of affection. Weird, huh?

5. Happily Ever After. Woo Hoo! After having lots of sex, they decide they must be in love and will always be in love forever and ever amen.  Weird, huh?

So – here’s my synopsis:

Hunky Chad Talbot, former boxer/bodyguard/FBI agent meets cute with Chaz Melot, dancer/waitress/lingerie designer. After a few strange episodes, in which she collapses in a pool of her own juices, she gives him the best blowjob evah! They live happily ever after.

I think I have a winner!

Oh, you think not? I guess that’s what I get for overdosing on romance novels.


About Diane Dooley

Writer, Mother, Geek
This entry was posted in Romance Novels, The Book Pile, The Writing Life. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Five Romance Novels in Five Days

  1. Seeley deBorn says:

    Ya know what’s funny? The link to your previous post “Why do I write horror” right above this one.

    Because I decided this summer that I don’t have the patience for wet-pantied, boneless heroines and plan on spending next summer writing horror.

  2. Diane Dooley says:


    I write both, and sci-fi, too.

    You’re gonna love horror. Anything goes! Ya don’t even have to deliver an HEA.

  3. KB Cutter says:

    Feckin Hilarious. I almost blew coffee out of my nose, which is unattractively straight and proportionate to my facial features.

    I think you have a bona fide winning plot on your hands. And, what is it with all the clumsily exotic male and female names in theses books?

    I think Chaz and Chad are too mundane. Almost like George and Mary!!!!!

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