‘Devouring the Duke’ by Lady Florence Gypsy-Cinqchennes

Yep. It’s that time again. This month’s prompt: the Mini Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The Mini Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest means trying to write the worst possible first line of a book or story in the spirit of Edward “It was a dark and stormy night…” Bulwer-Lytton. “Worst” in this case is subjective, but florid and ridiculous purple prose is probably closest to the spirit of the thing.

We were also required make up a name as follows:

-Start with either Lord or Lady

-The first name of a grandparent.

-Surname is the name of a pet double-barreled with a street you grew up on.

* * *

Clotilda took one look at the ravishingly rich Duke, his thoroughbred legs tightly encased in silken breeches the color of clotted cream and his manly chest bravely sporting a voluptuous waterfall of milky lace, then promptly regurgitated salmon and cucumber sandwiches (with no crusts) down the front of her very best dress, causing the frothy white tulle to become splattered with aromatic gobs of peachy-green slime and half-digested fish.

* * *

I feel a little nauseous. Click the links below to read some more truly awful opening lines. I’ll be updating the links as writers join the chain.

orion_mk3 - http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month’s post)
AuburnAssassin - http://clairegillian.com (link to this month’s post)
You are here
Horseflye - http://thecozylittleplot.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Proach - http://www.deannaproach.com/ (link to this month’s post)
BigWords - http://bigwords88.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
jkellerford - http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
xcomplex - http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Ralph Pines - http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Diana Rajchel - http://blog.dianarajchel.com/ (link to this month’s post)
pezie - http://www.erinbrambilla.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Guardian - http://daewrites.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
egoodlett - http://wordlarceny.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Euclid - http://euclid-thoughts.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alpha Echo - http://writersramblings81.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)

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About Diane Dooley

Writer, Mother, Geek
This entry was posted in Blog Tours, Hops and Chains, The Writing Life. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to ‘Devouring the Duke’ by Lady Florence Gypsy-Cinqchennes

  1. Well we’re off to a rather unsavory start aren’t we, with Orion’s sweaty, pugilist-headed gentleman detective, my putrid piercings and your colorful up-chuck. LOL You can run with the best of ‘em, my dear.

  2. Diane Dooley says:

    We are a disgusting lot, aren’t we?

  3. ralfast says:

    Disgusting but funny.

  4. alexp01 says:

    Dear me, Lady Florence, whatever will the society ladies say at the society ball about poor congealed Clotilda? She shan’t be invited to the debutante ball now!

    Great job :)

  5. Diane Dooley says:

    Her reputation is ruined. She’ll never snag herself a duke now. And it’s her own fault for gorging herself on those delicious little sandwiches.

  6. Dale Long says:

    HAHAHA!! Clotilda?? That’s hilarious!

    I actually liked this sentence and am leaning towards liking Clotilda. The line that does that? “down the front of her very best dress” is endearing.

    Call me a terrible writer with a warped sense of style. ;)

  7. Ellen says:

    LOL ewww!! Love the description of the duke. And the sandwiches. Yuck! ;)

  8. Proach says:

    I was actually thinking that this snippet is to good to be the worst possible first line of a book. Instead of wanting to avert my eyes, I found myself wanting to read on. Good job on giving this possible novel a good start, bad job on attempting an awful first line. Love the photo by the way.

  9. SL Vitale says:

    The parenthetical aside really puts this over the edge–god forbid there be crusts!!!

  10. Pingback: AW July Blog Chain–”It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…” « The Word Busker

  11. The cucumber sandwiches (with no crusts) bit had me cracking up (before I was grossed out, that is). Nicely done (or poorly done…whatever it is I’m supposed to say here).

  12. Jen says:

    OMGosh, thoroughbred legs encased in silken breeches??? LOL! I spewed my coffee out of my nose. He sounds like a carefully wrapped sausage! That was awesome, until I got to the puking cucumbers…ewwww..

  13. Pingback: Sunday Tweet: The Good, the Bad and the Timeskip + A Blog Chain | Neither Here nor There….

  14. hee hee.

    I love the “silken breeches in the color of clotted cream”.

  15. JLCwrites says:

    Oh Lordy, that was painful and funny.

  16. Pingback: Diana Rajchel » Mini Bullwer-Lytton contest

  17. Pingback: Absolute Write July Blog Chain « Erin Writes

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