My Own Private Apocalypse

small_4888837947It’s time again for the  monthly Absolute Write Blog Chain. This month’s prompt is: The End of the World. My offering is a piece of flash fiction entitled My Own Private Apocalypse.  Please do click the links after the story to discover other writers’ takes on the prompt. I’ll  update the links as writers join the chain.

*Warning: this story contains strong language*

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My Own Private Apocalypse

Whoever was banging on the door eventually gave up and went away. I unplugged the phone that wouldn’t stop ringing. Tossed my cell phone down the toilet; smashed the computer. Maybe if I just hunker down for a while I can slip out of town unnoticed, go start a new life somewhere. The buses and trains have to start running again sometime. Now that the world isn’t going to end after all.

Fucking heroes. There’s always someone who has to be a hero. No one expected it to be the Chinese, though. Three men and three women in super-rockets with nukes strapped to their asses. Yeah. They obliterated themselves against the oncoming giant comet and the explosion managed to knock it off course and into the sun. Gave their lives to save humanity. Bastards. Now I’m so fucked.

When the news came, that we had only a day left and to stay calm or we wouldn’t even have that, it was freakin’ weird how everyone accepted it. Trooping off to churches and mosques to pray and “be together.” Tearful long distance phone calls of apology and forgiveness and love between all and sundry. Not me. No. I handled it all in my own very special way.

First thing I did was kick the wife to the curb. The last thing I saw on this earth wasn’t gonna be her fat ass, that’s for sure.  Should’ve done it years ago. It felt so fuckin’ great. Of course I had to call the boss and let him know how intimate me and half the town had been with his wife’s ass. Telling him felt even better than bangin’ the slut, let me tell you.

Took a minute to think about it, decided what the hell. Called the leech and said, “Son, you ever had a sneaking suspicion that your daddy didn’t love you?” Only heard a sob before I said “Bingo’ and hung up on his over-educated, under-employed ass. Then, I headed down to the local liquor store, broke in and stocked up on everything I wanted, surprised as hell that there was anything left.

On the way home I gave the big one to the blonde from down the street who’d been jiggling those nice titties in my face on a regular basis for the past five years. That knocked the cheesy smile off her face, you can be sure of that. Even with the end of the world being nigh she’d still taken the time to plaster on the makeup, though all her crying did kind of ruin it.

On a whim I kicked the neighbor’s yapping mutt to death; revenge for the years of broken sleep, then barricaded myself inside, cracked open the whiskey and waited for the  apocalypse.

Which never came.

Fucking Chinese.

Someone’s back at the door and, judging from the sound of splintering wood, they’ve got an ax. I can hear a lot of voices. I think there’s a mob out there.

I am so fucked.

Oh well. I accept I’m about to die. I’m just gonna sit here and wait for it, finish this bottle if I can. No regrets. The truth of it? This was the best fucking day of my entire life.

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About Diane Dooley

Writer, Mother, Geek
This entry was posted in Blog Tours, Hops and Chains, Horror and Dark Fantasy, The Writing Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to My Own Private Apocalypse

  1. Jes Bosworth says:

    That was fun :). Sadly, I’m sure a lot more people than we’d like to think would face imminent doom like this. Well, at least he’s not whimpering about it, lol.

  2. ralfast says:

    A guy with nothing to loose loses it all. Brilliant! 😀

  3. mamafog says:

    I also like that he wasn’t whining about it. It was amusing and refreshing how he did all those things he always wanted to do. Perfect ending too.

  4. B.M. says:

    I think Ralfast summarized it clearly. It’s interesting when someone gets to a point of no return only to see that, in fact, there is a bit of guilt inside. Just when the ax hits the door. You’re f***. Ain’t life a drag?

  5. alexp01 says:

    Ha! That was hilarious. Though I get the feeling that there must be mobs at a lot of peoples’ doors, since the apocalypse seems like it would encourage such behavior 😀

  6. Randi Lee says:

    Very entertaining! I love how blunt it is.

  7. Charity says:

    Love it the frank attitude he portrays. Too bad it all backfires on him. Good job on this.

  8. Libbie H. says:

    Sounds like my dad! 😉

  9. Luke Walker says:

    Nicely unpleasant, Diane. Job well done.

  10. Dale Long says:

    Time to shed the sheep’s clothing and let the wolf out. Dark, funny with absolutely no moral. Loved it!

  11. Oh how every day would be the apocalypse with this hero. 😀

    Nice job!

  12. krystal jane says:

    Very entertaining! And so awful, but so funny. ^_^

  13. AFord says:

    What an engaging read from beginning to end. Two thumbs up!

  14. This was great! I laughed out loud at the end. Poor schmuck.

  15. Heh, nicely done. Always thought I’d smash as many windows as I could. Guess this guy just went with the idea and really ran with it. Sweet story.

  16. Me says:

    That was fun. You really got me into the guy’s head!

  17. Sue Seese says:

    Is it wrong that the only one I feel sorry for is the dog?
    Nice job with the prompt. 😉

  18. Diane Dooley says:

    Me! I felt sorry for the poor dog. And the wife and the son. And the poor women with the nice breasts. Didn’t feel sorry for the boss, though.

    Thank for the responses, everyone. You’re a bunch of sickos, for sure.

  19. Gell says:

    The knowledge that the world is ending would be liberating. You can do anything you want, not having to worry abut the consequences. Too bad about the dog though :|. And too bad it didn’t end :D.

  20. blairbburke says:

    Makes you with that if there were a chance to avert an apocalypse, maybe people would be allowed to vote on whether or not to save us all.

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